Today marks the second anniversary of Jeremy's passing. Two whole years. It has gone by so quickly, and while I feel like the kids and I have come so far in our healing process, with this two year mark comes so much sadness because when I look back on these past two years, all I can see is how much he has missed.
Our kids are growing up. Owen just turned eight and Camille is four. They both had their first friend sleepovers this year. Owen was baptized. Camille rode a bike for the fist time. They love their gymnastics classes and are learning to play the piano. Owen will be playing basketball for the first time ever in January. He is knocking the socks off of 2nd grade and I am pretty sure this kid's heart is big enough to fill the grand canyon. He continually amazes me with his thoughtfulness, his gentleness with his sister, and his giving spirit. I have no doubt that he gets that from his daddy. Camille is still the little princess around here...the sweet and sassy princess to be exact. She is the sweetest of sweet with a little streak of stubborn thrown in just for kicks. I love her spunk and all of the laughter she brings to our family. I often think of how proud Jeremy would be of both of our kids. How I wish that he was here to see them, and that my kids had the chance to feel and see his love for them firsthand. I try my hardest each and every day to make sure they know how much he loves them...I can only hope it is enough.
I had plans for our day today. Plans to do some things that Jeremy really loved. I had been really excited about these things and sharing them with the kids. But when the day arrived, all I really wanted to do was sit at home and cry. So instead of forcing us to stick to the day's itinerary, I decided to listen to my heart and just settle in at home. We had a day looking at pictures, snuggling on the couch to watch Christmas movies, and Camille and I even cuddled up and took a nap together. It was not anywhere near the day I had planned, but I think it definitely turned out to be the day we all needed. We wrapped up the day by going to Owen's piano recital, and then a visit to Jeremy's favorite Christmas tradition, the Down's Family Christmas Light Show.
For the most part, I feel like the kids and I are doing really well. We still have rough days, but we are getting through them. So when this morning came, and I was feeling so down and emotional, it took me by complete surprise. But grief is like that. You are clicking along one moment thinking you are really getting in the groove and things are looking up, but then grief comes along and rips the rug right out from under you. Sometimes it takes days to get back to your feet again after that. Grief is unpredictable, and it is painful. It just makes you feel so alone. But that could not be further from the truth. That is exactly what the enemy wants all of us to think - that we are alone. Alone in our sorrow. Alone in our pain. Alone in our sin. Alone in our shame. Alone. Alone. Alone.
But Scripture tells us that we are never alone:
"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in times of trouble." Psalm 46:1
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your GOD goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
And as if the promise of His presence and His care is not enough, God so kindly anointed His church to be earthly representatives to the hurting - to fill the gap in those moments when our pain is so great we may not be able to perceive Him in our midst.
"Rejoice with those who rejoice. Mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15
"If one part suffers, all parts suffers with it. If one part is honored, all parts rejoice with it." I Corithians 12:26
I have had a few of those moments. One of the most defining moments in this whole journey for me began as I was getting dressed to go to the funeral home. As I looked in the bathroom mirror, trying to put my makeup on, the tears would just not stop coming. I tried repeatedly to wipe them away and start again, but it was futile. The darkness was closing in, and the pain was unbearable. I certainly didn't feel God's presence in those moments even though I was having some very candid conversations with Him. I was so angry, and questioning if this God I thought I knew was really just a lie. I remember thinking that I wouldn't waste another second of my time on earth on Him. But then, when I pictured myself turning away from Him and what that life would be like, chills went down my spine. So instead of turning my back on God, I prayed right then and there. I begged Him and pleaded with Him to please help me feel His presence in my life again.
I like to think that it was at exactly this moment that my aunt was on a plane from Houston to OKC for Jeremy's funeral.sharing my story with the young lady sitting next to her. As they exited the plane, "Miss J" gave her a note to give to me. My aunt pulled me aside later that evening and handed me a folded up piece of paper with a one hundred dollar bill tucked inside and a handwritten note with sweet words that really touched my heart. Miss J explained in the note that awhile back,her boss had given each of his employees $100 and encouraged them to Pay It Forward. She had held onto hers for quite some time because she just wasn't sure what she was suppose to do with the money. As my aunt told her my story, she said she just knew she was supposed to give the money to me.
As I read these words of hers, chills again ran up my spine and more tears began to fall. Later that evening as I was reading the letter again, a peace came over me and I just KNEW that HE SEES ME. I was still mad as hell. I had no idea how life could ever be okay again. But in that moment, "He sees me" was enough to keep me going. To keep taking that next step of faith...just that ONE. There have been many days since then that I have pulled that letter out to read again, and just remind myself that He sees me. I am thankful for the locket I will purchase for Camille with the money she gave but I am most thankful to Miss J for her obedience...for her willingness to heed to the little tug on her heartstrings to reach out to me in that way. To remind me that God sees me, and that He will show up for me when I need Him. It would have been so easy to shrug that off or to have been too busy dealing with life/kids/iphone to even notice God nudging her in my direction. It truly was a simple thing, but God used it in a BIG way. It is amazing to think about the BIG things God can do with our small obedience. Think of the impact that could be made for all of the lost and hurting people out there who so desperately need to be reminded that they are not alone! So tonight I ask myself, what small thing is God asking me to let him use in a BIG way? Is he asking something of you, too?
I have to sign off by sending out a huge heartfelt thank you to everyone who has been there for me and my kiddos during these past two years. Every call, text, comment, hug, note, gift, flower, you-name-it has meant so much to me. We are blessed to be part of such a loving family and caring community. I love each and every one of you, and Jeremy would be so proud of the way you have ministered to us through this time. God Bless and goodnight!
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