2 YEARS

Today marks the second anniversary of Jeremy's passing.  Two whole years.  It has gone by so quickly, and while I feel like the kids and I have come so far in our healing process, with this two year mark comes so much sadness because when I look back on these past two years, all I can see is how much he has missed. 

Our kids are growing up.  Owen just turned eight and Camille is four.  They both had their first friend sleepovers this year.  Owen was baptized. Camille rode a bike for the fist time.  They love their gymnastics classes and are learning to play the piano.  Owen will be playing basketball for the first time ever in January.  He is knocking the socks off of 2nd grade and I am pretty sure this kid's heart is big enough to fill the grand canyon.  He continually amazes me with his thoughtfulness, his gentleness with his sister, and his giving spirit.  I have no doubt that he gets that from his daddy.  Camille is still the little princess around here...the sweet and sassy princess to be exact.  She is the sweetest of sweet with a little streak of stubborn thrown in just for kicks.  I love her spunk and all of the laughter she brings to our family.  I often think of how proud Jeremy would be of both of our kids.  How I wish that he was here to see them, and that my kids had the chance to feel and see his love for them firsthand.  I try my hardest each and every day to make sure they know how much he loves them...I can only hope it is enough.

I had plans for our day today.  Plans to do some things that Jeremy really loved.  I had been really excited about these things and sharing them with the kids.  But when the day arrived, all I really wanted to do was sit at home and cry.  So instead of forcing us to stick to the day's itinerary, I decided to listen to my heart and just settle in at home.  We had a day looking at pictures, snuggling on the couch to watch Christmas movies, and Camille and I even cuddled up and took a nap together.  It was not anywhere near the day I had planned, but I think it definitely turned out to be the day we all needed.  We wrapped up the day by going to Owen's piano recital, and then a visit to Jeremy's favorite Christmas tradition, the Down's Family Christmas Light Show. 

For the most part, I feel like the kids and I are doing really well.  We still have rough days, but we are getting through them.  So when this morning came, and I was feeling so down and emotional, it took me by complete surprise.  But grief is like that.  You are clicking along one moment thinking you are really getting in the groove and things are looking up, but then grief comes along and rips the rug right out from under you.  Sometimes it takes days to get back to your feet again after that.  Grief is unpredictable, and it is painful.  It just makes you feel so alone.  But that could not be further from the truth.  That is exactly what the enemy wants all of us to think - that we are alone.  Alone in our sorrow.  Alone in our pain.  Alone in our sin.  Alone in our shame.  Alone.  Alone.  Alone.

But Scripture tells us that we are never alone:

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18

 "God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in times of trouble."  Psalm 46:1

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your GOD goes with you;  He will never leave you nor forsake you."  Deuteronomy 31:6

And as if the promise of His presence and His care is not enough, God so kindly anointed His church to be earthly representatives to the hurting - to fill the gap in those moments when our pain is so great we may not be able to perceive Him in our midst.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice.  Mourn with those who mourn."  Romans 12:15

"If one part suffers, all parts suffers with it.  If one part is honored, all parts rejoice with it."  I Corithians 12:26

I have had a few of those moments.  One of the most defining moments in this whole journey for me began as I was getting dressed to go to the funeral home.  As I looked in the bathroom mirror, trying to put my makeup on, the tears would just not stop coming.  I tried repeatedly to wipe them away and start again, but it was futile.  The darkness was closing in, and the pain was unbearable.  I certainly didn't feel God's presence in those moments even though I was having some very candid conversations with Him.  I was so angry, and questioning if this God I thought I knew was really just a lie.  I remember thinking that I wouldn't waste another second of my time on earth on Him.  But then, when I pictured myself turning away from Him and what that life would be like, chills went down my spine.  So instead of turning my back on God, I prayed right then and there.  I begged Him and pleaded with Him to please help me feel His presence in my life again.  

I like to think that it was at exactly this moment that my aunt was on a plane from Houston to OKC for Jeremy's funeral.sharing my story with the young lady sitting next to her.  As they exited the plane, "Miss J" gave her a note to give to me.  My aunt pulled me aside later that evening and handed me a folded up piece of paper with a one hundred dollar bill tucked inside and a handwritten note with sweet words that really touched my heart.  Miss J explained in the note that awhile back,her boss had given each of his employees $100 and encouraged them to Pay It Forward.  She had held onto hers for quite some time because she just wasn't sure what she was suppose to do with the money.  As my aunt told her my story, she said she just knew she was supposed to give the money to me.  

As I read these words of hers, chills again ran up my spine and more tears began to fall.  Later that evening as I was reading the letter again, a peace came over me and I just KNEW that HE SEES ME.  I was still mad as hell.  I had no idea how life could ever be okay again. But in that moment, "He sees me" was enough to keep me going.  To keep taking that next step of faith...just that ONE.    There have been many days since then that I have pulled that letter out to read again, and just remind myself that He sees me.   I am thankful for the locket I will purchase for Camille with the money she gave but I am most thankful to Miss J for her obedience...for her willingness to heed to the little tug on her heartstrings to reach out to me in that way.  To remind me that God sees me, and that He will show up for me when I need Him.  It would have been so easy to shrug that off or to have been too busy dealing with life/kids/iphone to even notice God nudging her in my direction.  It truly was a simple thing, but God used it in a BIG way.  It is amazing to think about the BIG things God can do with our small obedience.  Think of the impact that could be made for all of the lost and hurting people out there who so desperately need to be reminded that they are not alone! So tonight I ask myself, what small thing is God asking me to let him use in a BIG way?  Is he asking something of you, too? 

I have to sign off by sending out a huge heartfelt thank you to everyone who has been there for me and my kiddos during these past two years.  Every call, text, comment, hug, note, gift, flower, you-name-it has meant so much to me.  We are blessed to be part of such a loving family and caring community. I love each and every one of you, and Jeremy would be so proud of the way you have ministered to us through this time.  God Bless and goodnight! 

O-MAN, MY HEART HERO

 

As many of you know, the American Heart Association's Jump Rope for Heart campaign has become kind of a big deal in our family.  Just a month or two after Jeremy's passing, Owen's school sent home a flyer announcing their participation in the fundraiser.  All month long, the kids would be learning about ways to keep their heart healthy, and at the end of the month they would all participate in an hour long "jump-a-thon".  They would also have the opportunity to collect donations in support of the American Heart Association which would then be used to benefit medical research and assist children with special hearts.

I immediately called Owen in to look at the flyer with me.  He was hesitant at first.  I'm not sure he had ever jump roped before in his life.  But as I began to explain that his daddy was just like these children who needed help - born with a special heart, in need of a surgery, or other medical care - I could see the wheels start turning in his head.  We sat down together, and he dictated a message that I then emailed out to everyone we knew. 
 
 It felt so good, in those first few weeks of our grief, to find something we could actually DO.  We spent time in the evenings learning and then practicing his jump rope skills, and watched our emails as the donations started coming in.  We never could have imagined the incredible response from our friends and family!  By the end of the month, Owen had raised just over $2,000!    He was ecstatic!  His school raised more that year then ever before, and he raised the most of any student in school history as well.  A couple of months later, Owen was awarded a medal and certificate at a school assembly, and he received lots of goodies from the American Heart Association, including a Razor Scooter.  He was over the moon!

As amazing as our experience with Jump Rope for Heart was last year, 2013 was even better!  In February, Owen's school started the campaign again.  Our house was buzzing with jump-rope talk and activity.  One night over dinner Owen said, "Mom, I'm so excited about Jump Rope for Heart.  I hope I raise the most money again even though I already have the biggest prize.  I just want to raise the most."  He went on to explain that the big gift from the American Heart Association this year is the same bike that he received for his birthday a couple of years ago.  He began to think of ideas for what to do with this bike if he were to get it.  Keep it, and give his old one to his sister?  Give it to his friend across the street so they could ride together?  Or keep them both for himself for friends when they come over?  I offered up the idea that it would be really cool to give it to the student at Jackson who raised the closest amount to him as a way to thank them for helping kids with special hearts, too.  He shrugged his shoulders, gave me a "yeah, maybe", and went on to finish his dinner.

Again, we emailed our amazing friends and family members to let them know about Owen's participation, and again, they overwhelmed us with their amazing support and generosity!  Owen jumped his little heart out at the jump-a-thon and had a blast with his friends doing it!

Last week, Owen's PE Teacher gathered the first graders together to hand out the gifts sent by the American Heart Association.    Owen's name was called last when she announced that in memory of his dad, Owen had raised over $2,600 and raised more than any other student at Jackson Elementary.  The school beat their own fundraising record again, too!  Owen's eyes filled with tears as he stood to receive his gifts.  He walked to the front, and one by one, Mrs. Coleman gave him the gifts ending with that grand prize Razor bike we had talked about all those weeks ago.  Owen tapped her on the shoulder, and said he had something he would like to say:  "On Monday morning (at the all school assembly), I have a surprise for everyone.  Whoever raised the most money closest to me is gonna get this Razor 360.  Cuz I already have one."  The kids gasped, and the adults wiped tears from their eyes.  My mother's heart swelled with pride and gratitude to have a son with such a big, big heart.  It was such a special, precious moment that I know I will never forget. 

Even more precious to me, is the statement Owen made as we walked back to his classroom that day.  "Mom", he said, "I'm sure glad I won, but what I'm most excited about more than anything, is that I get to give that bike away!"  And this week, he got to do just that.  At the all-school assembly, he was able to announce the winner of the Razor 360 - a fellow first grade girl, named Alix.  She was excited, and even brought Owen cookies the next day to say thank you.  He thought that was pretty cool, too.     


So I just want to say to everyone who donated...THANK YOU.  Thank you for supporting the American Heart Association.  Thank you for supporting Owen and our family as we continue to walk through these difficult days, and thank you for providing my son with the opportunity to pay it forward....to take the kindness and generosity you have shown, and pass it along to someone else.  To see that it IS better to give than to receive...a life lesson that his daddy lived by.  And if he's anything like his daddy (and I know he is!) - he is just getting started!

God Bless,
Carrie

In Memoriam

It's hard to believe that my dear, sweet husband passed away one year ago today.  The reality that it has been a whole year since I have held his hand...heard his voice...hugged his neck - it just seems unreal.  While the days seem to drag on, the months have flown by faster than ever before.   We miss him terribly, and love him greatly.  That will never ever change.  Our sadness remains, and I am beginning to understand that this thing called grief doesn't just go away one day.  Grieving isn't something that heals you...it is a process that changes you. But I believe with all of my heart, that by choosing to trust God through it, I will be changed for the better...to be a better minister of His Word and Spirit, and to become just a little bit closer to the person God created me to ultimately be. 

I still find myself asking God "why?" from time to time...and if I'm honest, I could still ask that question every second of every hour of every day, but more and more I am choosing instead to replace it with prayers of gratitude:  that we had the time we had together, that I had the honor of really  knowing and sharing my life with such an amazing, Godly, giving, and funny man.  It truly was so much more beautiful than I ever could've imagined.  And for that I am truly blessed.

I have spent the past few evenings looking at old photos and other little treasures, and something I stumbled upon led me to pull up Jeremy's blog.  (jdalton27.blogspot.com).  It was such a gift to me to be able to go back and read through those old posts...to be reminded just how opinionated and funny he was.  I shed many tears, but a good number of them were from laughter.  

In honor of Jeremy, I am copying one of his blog posts below.  There are so many things I loved about Jeremy.  But the two things I loved the most were his love for the Lord and his love for others.  Knowing Jeremy's heart for Christ has brought me so much peace.    As much as he loved me and our precious children, he did love Christ more.  And He loved to worship...whether it was by singing in church or by serving his community. He understood that worship is what this life and our eternal life to come is all about. 

It brings a smile to my face to think of him worshiping his heart out face to face with his Savior.  I know he is loving every minute of it. 

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Alabaster Jar 

by Jeremy Dalton

A while back, Kyle and the band at Journey started singing Alabaster Jar by Gateway Worship. I don't know what it is about this song, but every time we sing it I lose it. I'll be singing and tears just start pouring down my face.

It is an interesting thing to worship while basically crying. Vulnerable is the word that comes to mind. I am a self-conscious person and wasn't really comfortable with it (as if anyone was paying attention to me). So, I tried to wipe the tears as they came. Now I embrace it. I feel like I am truly worshiping. The only thing in that moment is me praising the one true God. The One who has blessed me beyond measure. The One who sent his son to die on a cross for me and you.

As I thought more about the song and read the lyrics and the story in the Bible it is based on (Luke 7:36-50), I realized the thing I love about the song and the story is that it is about giving. This woman brought the one thing she had that was worth anything and she broke the jar and poured the perfume on Jesus feet. This was after she washed his feet with her tears.So the question becomes, "what is my Alabaster Jar?" What do I need to bring to Jesus? I don't really know the answer right now. I know I need to figure it out and give it to God. What about you? What is your Alabaster Jar?

Alabaster Jar - Gateway Worship
This alabaster jar
is all I have of worth
I break it at Your feet, Lord
It's less than You deserve
You're far more beautiful
More precious than the oil
The sum of my desires
and the fullness of my joy!

Like You spilled Your blood,
I spill my heart as an offering
to my King

Chorus
Here I am, take me
As an offering
Here I am, giving every heartbeat
For Your glory take me

The time that I have left
is all I have of worth
I lay it at Your feet, Lord
It's less than You deserve
And though I've little strength
And though my days are few,
You gave Your life for me
So, I will live my life for You

Bridge
Worthy, Worthy
You are worthy
Worthy is the Lord

Posted 3rd August 2009 by Jeremy Dalton

 

I Pinned It & I Did It: Baked Oatmeal Casserole

A couple of days ago I stumbled upon a pin for Baked Oatmeal Casserole.  (original post here )  It just looked too amazing to pass up.  So, last night, my best sous chef, Camille, and I decided to go for it.  I don't know about you, but I LOVE recipes that just keep on giving, and this is definitely one of them.   It only takes a few minutes to whip up, and once baked, you have enough servings to last several days - if not the whole week.  Such a big help on those busy mornings!

I only made two changes to the recipe below.  I used raspberries instead of strawberries.  Baked strawberries just didn't sound appealing to me, and I had raspberries on hand that needed to be used.  Camille vetoed the cows milk, so we substituted her favorite almond milk instead. 

 Gluten-Free Baked Oatmeal Casserole
Total Time: 50 minutes
Serves: 6

Ingredients
2 cups gluten-free rolled oats
1/3 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup walnut pieces
1 cup strawberries {any berries work}
1/2 cup milk chocolate chips
2 cups milk
1 large egg
3 tablespoons butter, melted
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 ripe banana, peeled, 1/2-inch slices

 Instructions

Preheat oven to 375°F and generously spray the inside of a 10-1/2 by 7 inch baking dish with cooking spray and place on a baking sheet.

In a large bowl, mix together the oats, sugar, baking powder, cinnamon, salt, half the walnuts, half the strawberries and half the chocolate. (Save the other half of strawberries, walnuts and chocolate for the top of the oatmeal).
In another large bowl, whisk together the milk, egg, butter and vanilla extract.

 

 

Add the oat mixture to prepared baking dish. Arrange the remaining strawberries, walnuts and chocolate on top. Add the banana slices to the top then pour the milk mixture over everything. Gently shake the baking dish to help the milk mixture go throughout the oats.
Bake 35 to 40 minutes or until the top is nicely golden brown and the milk mixture has set. For an extra tasty top, sprinkle a tablespoon or so of extra brown sugar.

 

Enjoy! 

The recipe states that it serves six, but you can easily get 8-10 out of it...maybe more.  I let it cool completely, and then placed in the refrigerator overnight.  Served it up in bowls this morning...microwaved for about 45 seconds.  I ate mine plain. Camille liked hers with a little (almond) milk poured on top.  It was a delicious breakfast, easy and fast!   Can't go wrong there!

One of the best things about this recipe are the many ways you can mix it up.  Blueberries and white chocolate chips.  Apples and cinnamon chips. Pumpkin and butterscotch chips.  So many ways to keep it interesting!   Feel free to comment and let me know what worked for you!

I Pinned It & I Did It: Cranberry Cream Cheese Dip

Yesterday was Thanksgiving.  We had a wonderful day at my sisters house with lots of immediate and extended family.  I was responsible for the green bean casserole, pumpkin bread and cranberry sauce.  Most of our family enjoys the gel from the can variety, but a few of us can't do without the real thing.  So I decided to use half a bag of cranberries to make a small dish of sauce.  With half a bag of cranberries left over, I set out to find a use for them.  



Of course, I headed straight for Pinterest and it did not disappoint.  I found a pin for Cranberry Cream Cheese Dip.  (link to the original source here)  It was super easy to assemble, and most importantly, everyone loved it!  I halved the recipe and it was more than plenty for 15 adults and a few kids to snack on before Thanksgiving dinner.  Also note, that even though many of the ingredients have a kick to them, this really was not a spicy dish at all.  The cranberries and sugar counteracted the heat nicely.  I will definitely be making this again soon.  

Cranberry Cream Cheese Dip

Time: 15 minutes prep + 4 hours refrigeration

Yield: 15 servings

Recipe adapted from Heather Peterson

1  12 oz package fresh cranberries, chopped

1/4 C green onion, chopped

1/4 C cilantro, chopped

1 small jalapeno pepper, seeded and chopped

1 1/4 C sugar

1/4 t cumin

2 T lemon juice

dash salt

2  8 oz packages cream cheese

1. Put your cranberries in a food processor or mini chopper.  You could also, just chop them up.  

2.  Combine all ingredients EXCEPT the cream cheese.   Refrigerate at least 4 hours.   

3.  Spread softened cream cheese onto platter.

4.  Top evenly with cranberry mixture.

5.  Serve with Wheat Thins, Ritz Crackers or Tortilla Chips.

  

**Remember I halved this recipe.  It served 15 of us and I still have some leftover!   

The Problem with the Re-Pin

About a month ago, I discovered the wonderful world of Pinterest.  For those of you who are not familiar, Pinterest is a unique social networking sight.  Instead of posting a personal status, you create virtual bulletin boards where you can post pictures of projects you are working on, recipes you are baking, products you love, or fashion/interior design/home decor styles that you either currently have in your home or simply dream about having one day.

You can follow the boards of people you know, and of others you don't know on the site. It is brilliant!  There is an endless supply of beautiful things to choose from to get your creative juices flowing.  Since joining Pinterest, this non-crafty girl started her very first wreath.  I have framed printable artwork just for the holidays.   A picture on pinterest inspired me to organize closets in my home that otherwise would never have been touched, and would probably be busting at the seams.  It is a good thing!


I have a confession, though.  I rarely post original ideas.  If you search my boards, only two or three of my pins are original.  Every other photo on them, is a result of the Re-Pin.  A Re-Pin is where you re-post someone else's  photo onto your own board.  On one hand this is a great thing.  You see a beautiful project you would love to duplicate in your own home, or a recipe you think your family would love, and you Re-Pin it to your own board to save the idea for later.  So when the mood strikes, it is easy to find and easy to get started.  But on the other hand, how do you know if the project is really as simple as it seems?  Or if the recipe is really as delicious as it looks?  There are rarely follow up posts to let you know if the undertaking was a piece of cake, just one giant headache or something in between.


And that is the inspiration for this latest blog post.  I am going to keep track of the Pinterest projects I actually decide to tackle, and give an honest review of how an everyday un-crafty, somewhat skilled cook is able to succeed or fail at them.  You can see them on this blog and on my Pinterest board:   I Pinned It & I Did It! 

Happy Pinning!

B90D: Day 4

Owen's Assignment:  Genesis 40
Owen seemed really interested in this story.  He had lots of questions and read the entire chapter without a single complaint or distraction...probably because we read just before bed tonight and he was stretching it to the max!  He is pretty familiar with the life of Joseph, and I was blessed by our talk about the reading and the many ways God used Joseph to bless others. 

S:  "We both had dreams," they answered, "but there is no one to interpret them."  Then Joseph said to them, "Interpreting dreams is God's work.  Go ahead and tell me your dreams."  Genesis 40:8

O:  God gave Joseph the ability to do his work, and then he used that work to change Joseph's life.

A:  God (or the Holy Spirit) helps me to do God's work, too.  We can help others with the gifts He has given us just like Joseph helped others by interpreting dreams. 

P:  We prayed, giving thanks to God for the gifts He has given us and for the ways He will use us to help others.  We asked him to help us see when we can help others and to act upon it.
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Mom's Assignment:  Genesis 40:12-50:26

S:  "You intended to harm me, but God meant it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.  So then, don't be afraid.  I will provide for you and your children."  He reassured them and spoke kindly to them.  Genesis 50:20-21

O:  Joseph understood the big picture.  He was able to look past all of the hurt (and presumed bitterness), and see that God had used his circumstances for good.  I will admit that when I've been wounded, the thought of getting even has brought a smile to my face.  Now those of you who know me realize that I am probably the last person on earth to actually act on such thoughts, but there are times when the only relief for burning anger is the thought of revenge.  I imagine that Joseph had thoughts similar to this at one time as well.  Yet, when he was faced with the opportunity to even the score, he not only resisted, he took a giant leap in the opposite direction.  He was exceedingly generous with his brothers, making sure their every need was met, and even being KIND to them!  If only I could be so gracious!


A:  Look for God at work in every situation.  Focus on the positive outcome instead of the negative events that transpired on the journey to my destination.  Ask God to heal the hurt, and help me forgive.

P:  Heavenly Father,  Thank your for being a God who forgives.  Your mercy and grace astound me.  I long to have the heart for forgiveness that you possess.  Please remove past grudges and help me to take on new offenses with a heart of compassion and kindness, and to walk in the freedom of forgiveness.  Amen